a few facts & admissions

Fact: It is hard for me to figure out this blog thing. I love those blogs that get a little too personal, that feeling of peeking out into someone else’s life. But in an increasingly pervasive world, it’s disconcerting to write from this vulnerable perspective. So, do you comment on the world around you in your own voice and hope you’re saying something worth reading?
Fact: Even this can be troubling, eye-opening, revealing, and perhaps even worth reading. So, this is what I want to try.

Admission: Lately, I’ve been on the brink of a final decision on bassoon vs. English (that is, which to continue pursuing in a professional capability) and between a lot of my friends leaving Rochester and 22 credit hours, not to mention revising my thesis amidst a sudden onslaught of allergies, this has been draining.
Obviously this is no real excuse for not posting, but it is an attempt at explanation.

My hope is to return to posting by mid-May — let’s keep our fingers crossed. Thank you so much for reading!

chastity is not impotence

I prayed a lot before writing this post, because I didn’t know if it was a good idea to share some pretty private information about myself with the Internet world. But, here it is. It’s my sincere hope that this is of use or encouragement to at least one person reading this.

As the title of this post implies, at 22 years old and a senior in college, I am a virgin. To be perfectly honest I don’t think that this is too surprising, but apparently, given statistics and assumptions, I am something of a sexual anomaly. I don’t think I’m some freakishly repressed girl: I go on dates, I’ve kissed a half-dozen guys, and I’m half Cuban so I’ll hug you even if I’ve just met you. So why no sex? Well, that is the question.

The main reason is God. It’s right there in the Ten Commandments: Do not commit adultery. Which means, in my interpretation, don’t have sex with anyone but your husband. It’s that simple. God wants me chaste outside of marriage, and so I am chaste. The notion of a sacrifice of this kind might seem to be one of those things that makes Christianity drab and spiteful, but I don’t think that this is the case. Take, for instance, the following verses:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.– 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

As Christians we have the privilege of housing the Holy Spirit in our bodies, of being called children of a God who loves us more than we can possibly imagine. When someone loves you, and you love them, isn’t it worth a little sacrifice to do something you know will make them happy?Also, I’ve experienced firsthand the pain that comes from committing sin against my own body. Late last summer I had too much to drink at a party, and I ended up making out for hours with this guy who had been telling me all kinds of nice things (without knowing me, and without my having the slightest intention of any interaction afterwards, so the emotional weight of any of this interaction was negligible). The next morning I felt awful, nauseous and near tears, which didn’t dissipate no matter what I did. I have never struggled too much with accepting God’s grace, but that day, I honestly had no idea how I could be the daughter of the Lord of the Universe, let alone beloved. I felt like pond scum, fit only to be scraped off the sole of a shoe. In desperation, I called one of my dear friends, who referred me to the above passage, listened to my tears, kindly comforted me and told me that God had already forgiven me, I just had to accept that and forgive myself. It was a process that took weeks, and I have never, in  the last few years, felt so distant from God, have never doubted his goodness and love for me.

I know it may seem like I’m giving up a whole lot, and maybe once I’m married I will regret my decision. But I think that sex is only one slice of my life. When I was little, for instance, I always wanted to try coffee because my mom always drank it in the morning and it smelled so good. Since caffeine can stunt growth, my mom wouldn’t let me drink coffee until I was a sophomore in high school (ironically, right before I started a summer job as a barista at a local coffee shop). I love coffee now, but I don’t in the slightest regret those years of not drinking it. It was for my good that I didn’t drink it, although I don’t know what could’ve happened if my mom had let me drink coffee at the tender age of five, I am happy and healthy now.I don’t worry about STDs, I don’t worry about getting pregnant, I don’t worry that I will sacrifice too much in a relationship. I stay myself in my relationships. I am able to honor God in this one small way. I am more joyful, I worry less.

I say all this not to puff myself up — I’m a 22 year old musician, it’s not like I can see all of time and space and know if I would be happier making a different decision. It’s just that, somewhere in the course of my life, this decision went from being the smart one to something weird (at least, if you watch TV), and then it became a decision that ended romantic relationships before me, one that makes guys flat-out lose interest. It’s not like, by deciding to stay a virgin, my life has been all sunshine, cupcakes, and unicorns. Because I want to stay a virgin, it is possible for me to be beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and for all that to not be enough. That hurts, incredibly.But here’s the thing: it’s worth it, because it’s what God wants. And to have the privilege of serving the Lord of the Universe… it’s a small sacrifice.

And I want to say, for anyone reading this that feels as though I am judging you for not being a virgin before marriage, please don’t think that. I think that if you think it was the right decision, I am in no place to judge you, just as likewise I believe you are in no position to judge me. I hope that you continue to be happy, healthy, satisfied.
If you feel like it was  the wrong decision, if you feel as though God is distant, disappointed in you, then I want to say right now that what you are feeling is false. God loves you so much, He’s not waiting to punish you or smite you or make you overflow with regret. He has these gorgeous words of hope and healing and peace for you:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance for our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion –
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
– Isaiah 61:1-3

Finally, if you’re reading this and you are a virgin and you feel like some kind of freak, let me say this: don’t let anyone tell you that your innocence makes you inexperienced, stupid, unattractive. You are holding out for something great. You are discerning. You are lovely. You are the reason I’m posting this, because it seems to me that everyone wants to tell you (me) otherwise. Ignore them. You are the person the Lover talks about when he calls his beloved “a lily among thorns” (Song of Songs 2:1).

In closing, I know that this is a really personal decision. You may be reading my words and disagree with me — that’s fine. My goal in posting this was twofold, to serve God and to share my own perspective. And finally: Thank you so much for reading, always.

how to find the perfect recital dress: formal edition

This past September, I successfully played my senior recital — and, thanks to a
pretty dress and some great shoes, I looked great as I took the Kilbourn Hall stage. However, as I noted in a post on my old blog, finding the perfect recital dress can be almost as scary as perfecting all of the recital music! A big recital, like a solo degree recital, requires a dress that is beautiful and comfortable, something that you feel gorgeous wearing while at the same time, makes you feel as though you’re not wearing anything at all.
Beyond being pretty, there are some important considerations when selecting a dress for a formal recital:

• Can you breathe and perform comfortably while wearing the dress?
• Can you bow, sit, and play your instrument/sing without revealing too much to the audience?
• Will your dress make you trip as you walk on and off the stage? (And if it’s too long, will you be able to hem it?)
• Is the dress so sparkly or embellished that you look like a teeny-bopper at prom? Is it so plain that you look like a grumpy bridesmaid?

Remember: a formal recital is all about showing you off as an artist! If you can’t perform to your full capabilities, you need a new dress. If you don’t look like a gorgeous, serious artist, you need a new dress. But you might be wondering how in the world you will find one. So, I have scoured the internet for some great recital dresses. It’s risky to buy a dress like this online (although you can definitely try), but hopefully these dresses inspire your own perfect dress for your recital!

This dress has an empire waist so it’s comfy. The neck is a little low-cut but it’s narrow, which minimizes awkward exposure while bowing. Moreover, this dress is gorgeous — I love the green and gold. It would look so lovely with a curly up-do, pearls, and strappy heels!

This dress is subtle and floaty. It’ll make you feel like a sophisticated princess. It’s fitted enough to be flattering, while the stretch allows you to play comfortably. I don’t know if this is the perfect dress if you sit down to play your instrument, but if you’re planning on standing or the skirt wouldn’t inhibit you, it’s a beautiful option.

Honestly, if I hadn’t already given my recital, this would probably be my perfect recital dress. It is so classy and pretty. Under the stage lights, the beading would sparkle. The sweetheart neckline is flattering but not too low, the empire waist and A-line skirt allow comfort while adding dramatic flair. I would wear it with silver peep-toe heels and classy yet dramatic vintage earrings.

This dress is incredibly glamorous. Wearing it instantly classes up an event as simple as crossing the street, so I can only imagine how it would look as you swept onstage, capturing the hearts and minds of the entire audience. The strapless nature of the dress may be off-putting, so if that bothers you, this may not be the best choice. But if you don’t think the dress will worry you, this is a dramatic option that will make you look like a Golden Age Hollywood starlet while you serenade the audience.

This dress may not be as long or flashy as the other dresses, but is comfortable, classy, and extremely adorable. You should pick a recital dress that suits your personality, and if you want to give the sweetest vintage-inspired recital, and if you would like to twirl a little when you take a bow, I think that this is the perfect choice.

I love this dress — the lace makes it sultry and at the same time like something out of an old-fashioned romance. It would look so pretty with pretty metallic flip-flops, even, you wouldn’t have to worry about fancy jewelry with a dress this luscious.

Most of the dresses I’ve suggested are a solid color, but I’ve seen recitals where the soloist wears a gorgeous print, and there’s a certain vitality in the explosion of color. If that appeals to you, don’t let tradition stand in the way of showing off for the world in a splashy, fantastic frock.

I hope that these suggestions help you to find the dress of your dreams! If you have your own suggestions (or pictures of your perfect recital dress), please share in the comments. And check back next Saturday for another installment to help you find your perfect recital dress — next week, I’ll focus on finding a dress for a less formal recital.

Finally, just know that no matter what you wear, you will be stunning and, more importantly, sound absolutely gorgeous!!

interview: tonia ko, composer

(Photo credit: Justin Hoke)

Today I am really delighted to share an interview with my friend, composer Tonia Ko. Her piece for wind ensemble, Dwellings, premieres tonight at 8:00 PM in the Eastman Theater, played by the Eastman Wind Ensemble. (You should definitely check it out if you’re in Rochester.) In honor of the occasion, she graciously set aside some time in her busy schedule to answer my questions, and I’m hoping you find her thoughts really lovely.

What made you want to be a composer?
My decision to be a musician came first. It was a very sudden realization that happened while on vacation, sitting on a tour bus in Xi’an, China. I was eleven or twelve, just musing, “So, what should I be when I grow up?” Then the obvious just hit me: I needed to be in music.
I wanted to be a composer when I realized I wasn’t good enough a performer to make it in that arena. But in the end, I have the personality of a composer anyway. Even while I was keeping up with academics in high school, it was no secret that I just wanted to compose.
I guess my experiences in high school really solidified my decision. When I was in 9th grade, I wrote a string orchestra piece that was performed. The performance was atrocious, but I got good enough feedback that made me begin private lessons and continue writing.

Describe the process of composing a piece of music. Does it differ depending on the instrumentation and size of the ensemble you’re writing for?
Yes, it definitely depends on instrumentation. However, I typically like to start at the extremes on the ideas-spectrum. That means I think about the biggest ideas, like the general mood and the overall form. At the same time, I also come up with one very small gesture-a rhythmic and/or melodic fragment. The rest of composing is usually about filling in the gaps between the largest and the smallest ideas.

What inspires you?
I’m pretty one-track minded, so it’s usually other music that inspires me.  But ideas sometimes come out of the blue and from the tiniest things. For example, I notice one beautiful sentence much more that the entirety of the book I’m reading. Anything or anyone that is genuine in what they do is also pretty inspiring.

Who are some of your major influences?
I have too many to keep it a reasonable list, but my parents, Gustav Klimt, J.S. Bach, and Luciano Berio are up there.

Are there any common motifs in your music (either musical or topical)?
I definitely have “favorite” chords and intervals that I recycle from piece to piece. While that is good for establishing a “Tonia-like” sound, I try to consciously avoid them sometimes in order to keep each piece fresh.
I also tend to write pieces about the idea of home (as you’ll see for Dwellings). It probably has something to do with the trauma of moving to Rochester after growing up in Hawaii. But more than most people, I get very emotionally attached to the places I’ve been in.

What are you working on right now?
I’m currently writing a sinfonietta piece (“new music” ensemble, one of each instrument). It is inspired by my grandma in Hong Kong, who has this tremendous energy and is the fiercest 76 year-old in the world.  I am trying to capture some of her exuberance in the piece. I also transcribed and transformed a bit of Cantonese opera for the opening melody, in tribute to her love for that genre.

What are some projects you’d like to tackle in the near future?
I have plans for an extended solo piano piece based on architectural forms. In the next few years, there might be opportunity to write a youth opera for my chorus back home, the Hawaii Youth Opera Chorus. More generally, I’d like to do a new orchestra piece, a string quartet, and a full-scale opera before I die.

What’s the best piece of advice (compositionally or otherwise) that you’ve ever gotten?
My first teacher from the University of Hawaii told me after I had shown him my week’s work, “You should always do more than what is expected of you”. Since then, I only resort to doing “just enough” when I’m really swamped.
My grandma (the fierce one) tells me every time I’m back in Hong Kong, “Always wear and use the nice things you have. I’m old, so I wear my diamond ring and it makes my friends jealous. Money is for spending!”

Do you have any advice for somebody looking into being a composer?
I’m definitely not in any position to be doling out advice yet. But this is what I tell myself:
Strive to be yourself in every way, whether it’s specifically musical or in how you treat other people. This is very different from trying to be “unique”. I really think one needs to be truly genuine in order to create something that will resonate with an audience. Even though we all do it, it’s futile to worry about finding a “style” or making steady money. I believe those things will come if I just continue my quest to be the “best” Tonia Ko.

I am so excited to hear your piece performed! Can you tell us about it? What are some of your favorite parts of the piece, and what inspired you to write it?
(this is adapted from the official program notes)
Dwellings is loosely based on a famous Chinese poem. It is the first poem that most Cantonese children learn:
Thoughts on a Still Night
Bright moonlight before my bed
Seems like frost upon the floor;
I raise my head and watch the moon,
Then lower it down and think of home.
-Li Bai (701-762), Trans. C. Evans

Much like the poem, Dwellings is a meditation on the concept of “home”. The piece is structured around my personal realization that “home” is not only a physical place but also place in time. In the same way, any musical repetition is never exactly the same as before. This is because humans can only perceive the linear flow of music in a narrative sense. As the music moves away from, then finally back to, various distinct types of music, the transformation of the material is an emotional one rather than something technical.
The second idea that inspired the composition of Dwellings is the act of poetic recitation.  The first chorale-like section is a setting, or musical exaggeration, of how one would recite Li Bai’s poem in Chinese. This physical aspect of reciting poetry is developed at the end of the piece as breath sounds made by the instruments.

I hope you enjoyed the interview! If you’re interested in exploring Tonia’s website, you can hear recordings of some of her recent compositions — you can even hear me on one of them if you’re in the mood for some bassoon. And I hope that if you’re in Rochester that you hear Dwellings live tonight!

on keen observation skills

Years ago I told my mother that I wanted to be a writer. Instead of laughing at my (which may have been the correct response), she gave me this valuable piece of information: “Well, Rachel, you’re going to have to develop some keen observation skills.” At the time I was torn between hurt (how could she think I was lacking in any writerly qualities!) and scorn (well, obviously you need to have things to write about!). Yet despite my internal reaction, her words lingered, percolating inside my head until they started to yield real results. To wit: I began observing.

The immediate result was not that my writing improved — although it did. The first benefit was that life got extremely interesting. Colors drew me in, the patterns of rust on an old car, the different varieties of bird song, the lone albino pigeon. People have all kinds of crazy conversations that I would overhear, bellowed into a cell phone while riding the train, with their girlfriend at the DMV, a tutoring session at the library. Someone once described a public bathroom floor by calling attention to “honeycombed tiles” and whenever I look, I can’t help but smile a little. This summer I was at a music festival in the Blue Ridge Mountains and I wrote in my journal on the plane ride home that I would miss those mountains, “green and elegant as velvet”. The phrase is still stuck in my head, along with those mountains, my breath hitches when I remember. I was never bored on the forty-minute drive to church because, even on the sleepiest mornings, I couldn’t stop looking out the window.

People are less irritating when you’re observing them, too. You begin to be able to think of them as characters, to try and understand why they are hurting or frustrating you. A character always has a backstory, you see. There’s an explanation, an understandable motivation. I had a professor with an annoyingly short attention span, he would lose his focus entirely if someone came in late or even if a truck passed by when the window was open. One day, restraining a sigh as I watched him glare at a two-minute-late student, I began without even thinking to imagine him as a musician who found himself saddled with an unhealthy craving for silence, which haunted and troubled him and would give him no relief, these Siamese twin loves of music and complete silence. I stopped being annoyed with him. I began to sympathize. Seeing him through the lens of a well-rounded character instead of the two-dimensional classroom terror not only entertained me, it allowed me to relate to him as another human being.

Then, too, there is the undeniable improvement that observation has lent to my writing. When I bring my pieces in to workshop, people often comment that my characters are well-developed, nuanced, that they feel their struggle. I draw out their characters not in statements but in their observation — I look through their eyes. I observe them, too, I see the way their curls bounce or the way his face changes when she holds someone else’s hand. Observation expands a fictional world and also gives it a thousand subtle shades. Looking closely at the real world allows the fictional world to expand and also become both more realistic and more ridiculous. There is more craziness, mystery, and miracle in the world than we can believe, but you need to keep your eyes open.

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, I’ve never said I wanted to be a writer, let me say this: are you ever bored? Look around you. Don’t just turn your head quickly around. You might get whiplash, and you might miss out on a thousand things, the delicate spiderweb of cracks in the ceiling, the texture of what before seemed like flat white paint, the palate of colors in a sunset. Look slowly, look close, and trust me, you’ll have to brace yourself for something truly incredible.

feeling loved this valentine’s day

Valentine’s Day, more than any other holiday, seems incredibly polarizing: either you hate it or you absolutely love it. But, in the final count, why feel bitter, sad, and lonely on any day? In the spirit of the holiday, here are my top 10 suggestions for feeling loved.

1. Spend time with people you love. Whether it’s watching a favorite TV show tonight, sipping your favorite drink, holding hands under the table at a fancy restaurant, talking to your Abuela in Spanglish, or making delicious sugary treats, it’s more fun with someone who makes your world a happier place! Whether it’s your significant other, your best friends, or adorkable family, have some time with people who turn your frowns upside down.

2. Bust a move — at the gym! Maybe getting hot and sweaty doesn’t sound like a great Valentine to yourself, but those endorphins will make you feel amazing. Plus, you won’t feel guilty about eating a bit more chocolate: you’ve earned it!

3. Make someone else’s day. Does your mom always ask you to call her? Do you have a perpetually cranky professor? Is one of your room-mates grumpy over a recent situation? Decide right now that you are going to do something this Valentine’s Day to put a smile on their face. One of my plans today is to make my bassoon happy by working on my reeds, but believe me, I will be on the lookout!

4. Decide not to settle. If you’re single, don’t let your sadness over lacking a Valentine allow you to be with someone who is just not worth your time! For the past few days I’ve found myself missing my ex in occasional moments, but then I remind myself: it is over for a reason, and we need to happily go our seperate ways. Someone amazing is just around the corner. And if you’re in a relationship, just know that you shouldn’t settle for being unhappy, either. You should be adored! Engrave it on your mental hard drive.

5. Eat something yummy! As if delicious food hasn’t come up enough yet, I think today you can indulge yourself a little. I’m planning to attend a little shindig called Loveless Wings with some of my favorite single friends, some buffalo wings, and beer — and it will be awesome.

6. Write yourself a love letter. This summer, I was really bummed over a few situations that piled up and left me miserable, and all of a sudden it occurred to me that I was basing my value on these situations. I wrote myself a self-affirmation that has lived in my wallet ever since, and it not only encourages me, but has allowed me to encourage the people around me on numerous occasions. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I would definitely suggest taking the time to write one of these.

7. Laugh. Even fake laughing has all kinds of health benefits. If you have to, stand in an empty room and force yourself to start laughing. Based on my own experience, in a few seconds you will be laughing about something real. And if you find something to laugh about, if your friend tells you a joke that is only maybe-funny, laugh! Your whole body will feel loved.

8. Indulge yourself a little bit. Is there a book you’ve been meaning to read, a movie you keep trying to make the time to watch? Do it! Work on a page of your scrapbook, pull out the piece you just can’t wait to work on. Try that recipe! Give yourself permission for a little indulgence.

9. Love a little extra. Love is risky — you can get rejected. Dare to love in a big, real way today. Give the boy you’re sweet on a moment extra and really listen. Just this once, clean up after your messy room-mate. Forgive the people who have wronged you: let this Valentine’s Day be the day when their slate is wiped completely clean. Know that you are so loved that you can extend that extra ridiculous love to the people around you, and make today the day where it happens.

10. Spend some extra time seeking the prescence of God. God loves us so incredibly much — if you feel unloved for even an instant today, I really encourage you to spend some time praying, reading the Bible, meditating over some verses that will illuminate God’s love for you a bit more clearly.
Here are some suggestions:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
–Ephesians 3:17-19

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
– Song of Songs 8:7

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
– 1 John 3:16

I hope that, no matter how impossible it might seem right now, today is your best Valentine’s Day yet!

sunday treat: the generous life

I go to Grace Road Church when I’m in Rochester, and today this quote was included as part of Pastor Kevin’s sermon. I think it is such a challenging, inspiring message to Christians today & always (at least it certainly challenged and inspired me), so I wanted to share it with you.
It’s an excerpt from the Epistle of Mathetes to Diognetus, written around 190 AD. (If you want to read it all, you can check it out here.)

Christians are not differentiated from other people by country, language, or customs; you see, they do not live in cities of their own, or speak some strange dialect…

They live in both Greek and foreign cities, wherever chance has put them. They follow local customs in clothing, food, and other aspects of life. But at the same time, they demonstrate to us the unusual form of their own citizenship…

They marry and have children just like everyone else, but they do not kill unwanted babies. They offer a shared table, but not a shared bed. They are passing their days on earth, but are citizens of Heaven. They obey the appointed laws and go beyond the laws in their own lives…

They love everyone, but are persecuted by all. They are put to death and gain life. They are poor and put many rich. They are dishonored and yet gain glory through dishonor. Their names are blackened and yet they are cleared. They are mocked and bless in return. They are treated outrageously and behave respectfully to others…

When they do good, they are punished as evildoers; when punished, they rejoice as if being given new life. They are attacked by Jews as aliens and are persecuted by Greeks; yet those who hate them cannot give any reason for their hostility.